Darn women drivers!

This morning on Highway 1, Joe looked over to his left and there was a woman in a brand new Mazda doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. He looked away for a couple seconds and when he looked back she was halfway over in his lane, still working on that makeup.

Joe doesn't scare easily, but she scared him so much he dropped his shaver, which knocked the donut out of his other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using his knees against the steering wheel, it knocked his cell phone away from his ear, which fell into the coffee between his legs, splashed and burned Big Jimmy and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, Soaked his trousers, and disconnected an important call.

curing the phobia

Ron went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it . I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll have to think about that," said Ron

Six months later the doctor met Ron on the street . "Why didn't you ever come to see me! again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."

"Is that so? How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

voted world's best joke

no foolin, here it is:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"


http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/5064020.stm